Trusting Yourself: Making Decisions, Depression, and Connecting With Yourself

It really is just as simple as trusting yourself, making choices in life that is. Of course, this is coming from someone who still doesn't trust himself fully. But even though I don't trust myself fully, meaning I don't always go with my gut, my gut knows in the end what was right, and in turn I feel the effects either way. I'll give you a scenario.

I was at the golf course last weekend. That day as a whole I was feeling off. I hadn't been out of the house in a while (I guess I felt out of wack socially). The starter at the course told us to pair up with the group in front of us. Me being out of sorts, I felt uncomfortable about doing this. Mostly because my golf game was so poor that playing with someone I didn't know meant potentially slowing down the game, and in turn feeling embarrassed about my poor play. So what did I do? I did what I have always done. I ignored the situation, hoping it would go away. I didn't introduce myself to the group ahead, hoping it would mean we wouldn't have to play with them. It ended up making the situation even worse. The starter, in the absence of my action, told the players ahead of us that they were going to pair up with us. This made me feel even more like an idiot, as it should have. The feeling I got in my gut at that moment was pure disgust for myself. I hadn't felt that way in a long time. But why did I feel this way? Was it because I was embarrassed? Maybe. I think it goes deeper than that. I think it is because what I chose to do went completely against my true nature, the one that hides behind fear and anxiety. The true me, the person that is in the shadow of the mask I created so many years ago. And one I am slowly learning to break out of. So that feeling you get when you are depressed, it is very similar to the scenario I described above. Depression, I believe at it's true essence, is a severe disconnect with your true self. So how do we reestablish that connection with ourselves? I'll share a few example from my own life.

It is going to sound like I am over simplifying this because there is no magic formula for connecting with yourself. Connecting with yourself is more about stripping away what is hiding your true nature than it is about finding your true nature. See, in my eyes, who you really are comes out when you aren't stressed, when you aren't anxious, or when you aren't in fear. Think back to a time when you were really happy. It could be when you were in love, or when you nailed an interview, your last birthday, or a time you spent with family. That feeling is essentially you connecting with your true self. It is you being you without having to hinder any part of your personality, thoughts, or emotions. Now think back to a time when you were last depressed. If you can process it comfortably, and by that I mean without it causing you too much stress (though that in  and of itself is probably telling enough)-- think about that time. It is likely obvious that you were sad, depressed, alone, disconnected. Now think about that situation and think about what causes you to feel that way. I'll run a quick situation by you that might help you relate this to your own life.

I tend to think irrationally a lot. Probably 75% of my negative thoughts stem from some type of irrational scenario. Long story short, there was a time in my life where this was used to process fears I had because I didn't feel comfortable expressing them externally. So to this day, I will have an irrational thought about an interview, or a social encounter, or some social situation where I don't feel confident. Every time that irrational fear pops up, I have extreme anxiety that causes me to want to vomit. I go through the situation anyway, and what do you know. It wasn't that bad. But what I have realized is this: it is not that I do not have the ability to do the thing I am fearful of, it is that I am creating an unlikely scenario in my head before it even happens based on absolutely no facts, and letting it steer my life. That is me being depressed, that is me being disconnected from myself. The take away from all that? If you are depressed, explore why. I can be pretty sure it has something to do you not following your gut, or acting in a way that is not congruent with your true identity.

At this point I feel like I've dove pretty deep into this subject and I want to pull back a bit and give you a break from evaluating your own life (if that is how you are approaching this article). During this time, I am going to share how I reconnect with myself. Some of it might seem weird to you, unorthodox, probably a little comfortable. That's pretty normal. I felt the same way. But it really isn't that weird once you do it a couple times. I call it meditation, but it probably isn't the kind you are thinking of.

When I am depressed, I meditate. I sit down in my room on the floor and close my eyes. At first I just breath. I need to calm down from whatever it is that is bothering me. Then I just think. I let ideas, thoughts, feeling just flow through me without giving too much attention to any specific one for too long. Then I start talking to myself about what it is that is bothering me. I then get into a sort of dialog where I am playing two people. One person is asking me questions and the other person is answering them. They are both me. One is being the listener and one is being the speaker. From this technique I achieve two main things (though there are plenty more): 1) I am able to explore how I feel about any specific emotion, thought, or idea with questions. 2) I am able to voice my concerns without feeling shame about how I feel about them because I am talking to myself as appose to a therapist. After about half an hour of this, maybe less, I feel better. And all I really did was explore why I felt the way I felt, regardless of it being a positive or negative emotion. I just explored it. Pretty soon you will see a pattern. You will better understand why you are depressed, scared, have anxiety, or the like. And for me at least, every single time the cause of those negative feelings stemmed from being too far away from my true self. Think of it is as being too far away from a WiFi signal. If you are out of range, you won't be able to use that service any more. Same goes for being disconnected from yourself. If you are constantly distracted, you will grow further and further from your roots, so to speak.

Knowing yourself is about focusing on what you are rather than what you are missing. You have everything you need inside of you. The main problem is we are too distracted to hear the voice that is guiding us. It is more about peeling away layers and less about adding them, thinking you are some how incomplete from birth. When we explore our thoughts, they become less foreign to us. They become our friends instead of our enemies. The more we explore them, the less of a fearful hold they have on us. Instead of them being in control, we are in control.The more you attempt to connect to yourself, the more happy you will ultimately become.